by Lannie Rose, November 2002

I've always wanted to write one of those potpourri columns, a grab-bag of ideas that didn't merit entire columns of their own. So take a deep breath, here we go..

Go To Church!

T-girls are always looking for trannie-friendly environments and activities. May I suggest that you go to church? I attend services at Unity of Silicon Valley in the beautiful Petit Trianon Theatre building on 5th St. in downtown San Jose at 10 am on Sunday mornings. It is a small congregation, maybe 40 or 50 people. Unity's message is very upbeat and life-affirming. ("Oh, that's one of those New Age religions," my bible-thumping mother scowls.) Free coffee and cookies after service! Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) and all the Unitarian churches are also very accepting of transgenders (and gays). Besides, it's a good chance to get all decked out in your Sunday-go-to-meetin' best. Tee shirt and jeans are fine, too—Jesus doesn't care what you wear. Even trannie-chasers are welcome.

Stupid Juicer Tricks

Does anybody else use a juicer? I've been perfecting my Stupid Juicer Tricks. I think I may have a shot at Letterman. I'm sure we've all done this basic Stupid Juicer Trick: Forget to put a glass under the spigot. The juice pours all over the counter. Better still is this Stupid Juicer Trick: Drag the juicer to a more convenient location on the counter, but leave the pulp basket behind. Pulp flies all over the kitchen, how delightful! But my specialty is this one: Forget to put in the cutting blade when I assemble the juicer; then see how long it takes me to figure out why it doesn't seem to be grinding. "Jeez, I didn't think this cantaloupe rind would be too tough for my little juicer to handle.."

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Tips

Here are a few of my favorite tips on how to be more feminine. These are things that I never would have thought of myself, and I'm so grateful that somebody noticed them and shared. I wish I could remember who wrote them originally so I could thank them. Thank you anyway—you know who you are.

When you catch somebody's eye, don't nob your head to acknowledge them. Guys nod; women just smile. It was really hard for me to break the nodding habit.

Hold your coffee cup up near your shoulder and twist your wrist in toward your shoulder as far as it will go. This looks and feels very feminine. (You don't drink from it in this position! It's for when you are just holding it.)

Push your sunglasses up on top of your head when you are indoors. Guys can do this as well as gals, but it looks especially cute on women. (It looks kind of preppy on guys.) Besides, it's easier than fussing with getting them into and out of your purse.

When you park, don't jump right out of your car. Fuss with your purse, check your lipstick, balance your checkbook, whatever. Women take a long time before they get out of the car. Same thing getting back in, before you pull out of the parking space.

This one I learned in salsa dance class. The wiggle when you walk is not a side-to-side motion. It is not an up-and-down motion. It is a rotation, like Chubby Checker doing the twist. When your left hip moves forward, your right hip moves backward, and vice-versa. Practice this for about half an hour and you will master it. ("Mistress" it?) This is called "Cuban Motion" in Latin dancing, and it is very sexy. Just swinging your hips from side to side without this rotation is a mistake that will get you clocked.

And, finally, one from Jane magazine. Don't paint your fingernails the same color as your toenails. That look is out of style. I like something wild like purple or pink on my toenails, and something subtle and sophisticated like white or just a clear coat on my fingernails.

So you wanna change your sex? I came across a witty and useful web site called SoYouWanna.com . It tells you how to do all sorts of things you may wanna do—even how to change your sex! Their sex change instructions are brief and surprisingly accurate, and the duck is cute. Best of all, they include TG Forum amongst the few resources they link. Huzzah!

New Hope Thrift Shop

For those of you in Silicon Valley, may I recommend my favorite thrift shop? New Hope is located at 1881 West San Carlos, a mile and a half east of highway 880 and Westfield shopping mall (i.e., Nordstrom!). Look for the big rainbow sign on the left side of the road if you are heading east (toward downtown). New Hope is not a place to find outrageous outfits for Trannie Shack, but they've got tons of jeans, sweaters, skirts, blouses, and jackets. Lots of scarves and belts, too, if you know to look in the bins on the floor under the racks. You might even find some fine Eli Thomas men's suits, as I happen to know that my twin brother donated some to them last year. (That would be my much older twin brother!) Best of all, now every day is Dollar Day, when most clothing items are only a buck. New Hope is just a mile away from Carla's famous salon and boutique for the transgender community. If you haven't seen Carla's lovely new shop, still on Race Street, directly across Luther Avenue from where the old shop was, you should definitely drop in there for a visit too. Tell Carla I said, "Hi!" Then you can head around the corner to Park Street and visit Leather Masters, but please don't tell them I said, "Hi!" Don't expect to find Pierre Sibler where they used to be, next door to Leather Masters; they've moved up into my neighborhood in northern San Jose.

The Governator

How about some Arnie quips? (And don't even get me started on the sexual battery issue..)
Americans love a handsome flim-flam man: Professor Harold Hill, Paul Newman in The Sting, and now Governor Arnie.
Those who reasoned that Mr. Schwarzenegger is immune to lobbyist influence because he is already wealthy made a terrible micalculation. Like a California brown bear that has once tasted blood, the man who has tasted wealth only lusts for more, more, more.
I don't believe Arnold ran for governor because he loves California any more than I believe he married a Kennedy because he loves Maria. What he really loves is power.
Thank goodness the election is over and now Governor Arnold can get on with his real job -- delivering Califonia to Bush in '04.
Why is it that the left-wing activist actors are some of our finest -- Susan Sarandon, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn; while the right-wingers Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger never had to worry about clearing an Oscar-sized space on their mantels? Maybe it has something to do with the ability to empathize with the plight of the common man? Right-winger Charlton Heston is the exception to the rule; but then, his greatest roles (God, Moses) were not exactly common men.
The Governator cares so much about his new job that he's going to -- telecomute from L.A.?????
Hooray for California! First we took away Florida's crown as king of goofy elections, and now we've seized the goofy governor crown from Minnesota. Next in line: North Dakota's lowest eduction spending? We've got a way to go--we're only #28.

I really nailed this one!

People are always asking me about how I get my fingernails to grow so long and strong. I don't know if this is the reason, but I have been faithfully using the schmutz from FingerNailCare.com for a couple of years now, and that may be my secret. They call their large jar for $19.95 a three-month supply, but it lasted me for over a year.

Remember the 90s?

I was listening to KFOG's 10@10 as I wrote this column. The year of the spin was 1991. Ha, do you remember the 90s? Everybody had jobs, and most of us were billionaires. The music! Celine Dion, Maria Carey, Aimee Mann, Fiona Apple, Vanilla Ice, Beck, REM. I could go on and on! Remember the thrill of the approach of the big turn of the century? The Y2K bug panic? It was a great decade for me personally. I hadn't yet begun the hassle of transitioning, I was just a care-free cross-dresser. God, I miss those halycon days!

So that's my potpourri column. Does it smell fresher in here now?