Messeging etiquette

8 November 2001

Has Lannie (or another cutie) been rude to you on Yahoo Messenger? Is it because we are stone cold bitches? Have you stopped to think that it may be because you're coming across like an idiot? Let me give you some pointers on what makes for bad and good YM interactions.

First of all, please put a pic and some interesting info into your Yahoo Profile. I always look at your profile before I respond. It's only fair.. you've already seen my pic and read all about me, I need some info on you.

If your profile pic shows your cock, my Ignore button is automatically triggered. You are a vulgar idiot. (Exceptions are occasionally made for extraordinary cocks, but don't kid yourself!)

If your profile pic is a cartoon, you are an idiot. But I'll probably give you a slight chance anyway, being as the pool would get awfully small if I eliminated all the idiots.

If your profile does not have a pic, I will assume you are married. Your chances just became even slimmer. Same thing if you decline to state your marital status.

If your very first message to me is "hi", or "how are you?", well okay. I'll assume you're just pinging to see if I'm here, and I'll give you a "hi" or "k" back. But do you know what? "YOU ARE SO HOT!" gets my attention much more quickly.

If I call you, I will ask or tell you something specific. If you call me, please do the same. If you have nothing specific to say, neither do I. Do not ask, "What's up?", "sup?", "what's going on", etc. Obviously nothing is going on if I'm sitting at my computer and taking blind calls from the likes of you.

Do NOT try, "Tell me about yourself." That may work in singles bars, but here in cyberspace, you should have already perused my web site if you're not a total idiot. My URL is called out in my Yahoo profile and urnotalone (which account for most of my hits). Do your homework. Impress me by asking me about something buried deep in my site.

If you've done your homework, you know a lot about me. I don't know anything about you, excpet the little you may have put in your profile. Tell me something interesting about you. Tell me why in the world I should spend any energy messaging with you. (I already have your profile open, so you don't need to repeat what you've published there--that can be another idiot alert!)

Be prepared to be teased. I don't deny being an unpleasant bitch (this is actually something I strive for), but please understand that I am vetting you. If you do not have a certain amount of self-confidence and a sense of humor, then we wouldn't get along anyway. If you get pissed off, well, I would much rather have that happen while we're still only acquainted in cyber-space. Besides, isn't "teasing" more fun than "boring"? If the teasing isn't working for you, try being sincere and open.. I will usually respond in kind.

For goddess' sake, please do NOT tell me that you "like moonlit nights, long walks on the beach, and a good bottle of wine in front of a romantic fire." That is so trite and boring. Besides, it goes without saying.. everybody likes that stuff (or claims to, anyway).

Here are a few easy sure-fire conversation starters, if you can't think of anything more creative:
* Tell me your favorite movie. (Don't ask me mine, you do the work!)
* or a book you like
* comment on a current event
* tell me something weird that happened to you today
* tell me which one of my pictures you like the most, and why
* say something about one of my poems .. I'll know you are really trying hard!

If I stop responding or answer in one word replies, it doesn't mean that I'm tired of you. If I'm tired of you, I would say goodbye and sign off. Mabye I did abend, or I'm just busy (perhaps putting on my make-up, or typing in 3 other windows) or I'm waiting for you to move on to something more interesting. Or I temporarily ran out of things to say. Just 'cause you sent me a smiley or an LOL, doesn't make me obliged to type next.

Sometimes I accidently leave my messenger open when I leave my machine. Or I log in but I don't have time to message. I'm sorry already. Don't get all pissie about it, that doesn't help either one of us.

Do you want to have sex with me? Forget it. The direct approach doesn't work. You have to wine and dine and woo me. If you're not up for that, don't waste your time or mine. Even if you are cute, or have a huge cock.

Do not come looking for cyber sex. Nothing wrong with it, I suppose, but I'm not into it.

Do ask me out on a date. Or meet for a shopping expedition. Or go out for coffee. Or anything like that, like normal people do. I like doing stuff. I often say, "Yes!" I never bite (except at appropriate BDSM functions).

So, there are some guidelines for you. Be interesting. Have something to say. Give me a reason to want to chat with you. Put some info in your profile so I can pick some topics to talk about. Chances are I will be nice. But if I'm rude to you, go re-read the transcript. I just don't have patience for idiots!


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